The Human Masturbating Thing
by cannibalisticReaper
Summary: Caliborn wants to play a game, but when Dirk mentions something that Caliborn doesn't know about, the temperamental cherub insists that he show him. This is my freaking OTP (also PB&J and Rosemary) and I just wish their were more stories for these two TuT


_**undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT]**_

_uu: HELLO DIRK HUMAN._

_TT: Oh no. _

_TT: Fuck no._

_TT: I have things to do, fuck off._

_uu: I DIDN'T GIVE You A CHOICE._

_TT: Go away._

_uu: I WANT TO PLAY A GAME. MuCH LIKE OuR EARLIER GAME._

_TT: You mean where I draw you the softest of soft core porn and pretend you're not masturbating to it?_

_TT: Ya ok._

_uu: WHAT IS THIS 'MASTuRBATING' YOu SPEAK OF? AND WHY DO YOu ASSOCIATE IT WITH ME?_

_TT: It's were you stroke your weird alien junk, and because I know you're doing it._

_uu: NO. I DO NOT DO THAT. WHATEVER THAT IS. _

_uu: NOW PLAY MY GAME OR I'LL KILL YOuR FRIENDS._

_TT: Fine._

_uu: I WANT YOu TO DRAW ME YOu. DOING THE HuMAN MASTuRBATING THING._

_TT: Fuck no._

_uu: YOu KNOW I CAN SEE YOu. WHICH MEANS. I WILL WAIT uNTIL YOu DO IT AND SHOW ME WHAT IT IS._

_TT: That's fucked up, and I just won't do it._

_uu: OH YES YOu WILL. I'LL MAKE SuRE OF IT._

_uu: DO IT OR I WILL KILL THE uSELESS JAKE HuMAN. _

_TT: Go ahead. _

_uu: I WILL._

_TT: He won't even talk to me so whatever._

_uu: NO. DO NOT START TO uSE THE HuMAN EMOTION. IT IS WEAK. STOP IT._

_TT: In fact, you can just go ahead and kill me. Leave him completely unharmed._

_uu: STOP BEING SAD OVER THAT THING. IT'S STUPID. HE ISN'T WORTH YOuR TIME. I AM._

_TT: Oh? So I should just forget Jake and be with you?_

_uu: YES. _

_uu: WAIT NO. _

_uu: BOTH YES AND NO._

_TT: Holy shit you like me don't you?_

_uu: OF COuRSE NOT. YOu ARE JuST A WORTHLESS MEAT SACK. ALTHOuGH. I'VE CONSIDERED MAKING YOuR DEATH PAINLESS. BECAuSE YOu AREN'T AS ANNOYING AS THOSE FRIENDS OF YOuRS._

_TT: You so do._

_uu: SHuT uP I DO NOT!_

_TT: Then why do you want me to masturbate for you?_

_uu: I DON'T._

_TT: Ya you said you did._

_TT: If you tell me the truth._

_TT: I'll do it._

_uu: DO WHAT?_

_TT: I'll masturbate for you, but only if you confess to liking me._

_uu: I DO NOT LIKE YOu. SO FuCK OFF._

_TT: Only if you admit it._

_uu: WHAT?_

_TT: Nevermind. I'll just go then._

_uu: NO WAIT. IF I SAY I LIKE YOu. THEN YOu'LL DO THE MASTuRBATING THING?_

_TT: Yup._

_uu: FINE._

_uu: THEN I GuESS I LIKE YOu. THERE._

_TT: How much?_

_uu: THAT WASN'T PART OF THE DEAL._

_TT: I changed it._

_TT: Now how much?_

_uu: FuCK YOu._

_TT: Bye…_

_uu: OK! I LIKE YOu A LOT._

_TT: Go on._

_uu: I MAY EVEN. MORE THAN LIKE YOu. _

_uu: I MIGHT EVEN…_

_uu: LOVE YOu._

_TT: Ha, knew it._

_uu: SHuT YOuR uGLY MOuTH! I HATE YOu!_

_TT: Too late, already said it._

_uu: JuST DO YOuR THING NOW._

_TT: Just warning ya babe, it might be too dirty for you._

_uu: SHuT uP AND DO IT._

_uu: AND DO NOT CALL ME 'BABE'._

You allow yourself to smirk and even chuckle, pretty damn amused with yourself. Here you were getting some alien murderer to confess their undying love to you, and all you had to do was jerk off on camera. No biggie.

_uu: WHAT THE FuCK DO YOu THINK YOu'RE DOING?_

Ignoring the message, you retrieve a bottle of lotion from your sylledex and pull your jeans down. Unsurprisingly, you're not wearing any boxers, which means that your flaccid cock is now exposed to the open air. You hope that where ever that alien is, he can see because you aren't getting up. Instead you're squirting a healthy amount of lotion onto your hand and putting the bottle back in your sylledex.

_uu: STOP WHAT YOu'RE DOING THIS INSTANT._

You smear the lotion around on your cock, which is quickly hardening at your touch. It's cold at first, but once you adjust to the temperature you begin pumping your hand along your length. You go slow, wanting to make this last as long as possible, and quickly type in a response.

_TT: I'm just doing what you wanted._

_uu: I'VE CHANGED MY MIND. DON'T DO THAT._

_TT: You can't expect me to stop now._

_uu: YES I CAN. AND I DO._

_uu: FuuuCK THAT'S TOO DIRTY. REMOVE YOuR HAND._

_TT: Nah, I'm good._

_TT: You know you're enjoying it._

_uu: FuCK YOu._

_TT: You wanna?_

_uu: WHAT?_

_TT: Come over here_

_TT: and fuck me. _

_uu: NO. THAT WILL DEFINITELY NOT HAPPEN._

_TT: We can gaze into each other's eyes or some shit._

_TT: Maybe even cuddle afterwards._

_uu: SHIT. THAT'S PERVERSE YOu SLuT._

_TT: Better get here soon, or I'll just have to cum without you._

_uu: FuuuuuuCK._

_TT: Oh well, I tried. Maybe I really should just stop masturbating too, since you're not enjoying it._

_uu: DON'T YOu DARE FuCKING STOP._

_TT: Does that mean you're coming?_

_uu: FuCK. FINE._

_**undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering timaeusTestified [TT]**_

You roll your eyes and continue to stroke your member, rolling your fingers over the tip and smearing the pre-cum with your thumb. Then you prop your legs up on the desk and insert your index finger in your mouth. Your other hand, still preoccupied with your dick, is speeding up its jerks while you suck on the digit. Once your finger is covered with a sufficient amount of saliva, you pull in from your mouth and ghost it over your entrance.

"What the fuck are you doing with your finger?"

You use your foot to turn the chair a little so that you're now face to face with who you can only assume is uu. His entire body is green and he's wearing fucking suspenders and if you weren't so busy pleasuring yourself, you'd definitely call him a nerd. Rather than do that, you just shove the finger inside your hole and pump it in and out, finger fucking yourself just for the weird alien dude.

Said weird alien dude just stares at the perverse display and watches you insert a second figure and scissor your asshole while your other hand lazily strokes your dick. You can practically watch the different emotions and thoughts play out on his facial features, and you decide to add a third finger just to see what he'll do. You pump all three digits inside your hole and thrust your hips forward, trying to get them to go deeper. You curl your fingers and brush against that perfect spot that makes you see stars.

You continuously moan as you ram your fingers into that spot over and over. You can feel heat forming in your abdomen and you just know you're going to cum when you feel a hand gripping your wrist and pulling it away. You almost whine, but then you notice that the alien dude from earlier is bent down between your legs and – oh fuck his tongue is inside you and it's so fucking long. He bats your hand away from your cock and replaces it with his own. You just lean your head back and enjoy this because holy hell his tongue is magic.

Then he removes all contact AGAIN and just sort of stares at you. On any other day you'd be flattered with how much he's been staring, but your erection is starting to hurt and you need relief. Somehow sensing this, the green guy unlatches his suspenders and pulls down his pants to reveal what you can only describe as a tentacle. It's bright red and seems to be attacking the air and holy fuck you want that inside you.

He complies and rams into your tight hole at an angle, slamming against your prostate and turning you into a moaning mess. You grab the back of his head and force him down, pressing your lips together tenderly. He presses back and then digs his teeth into your bottom lip: drawing blood. He laps up the red liquid and sucks your tongue into his mouth and you can feel his weird snake tongue wrap around yours.

"God damn fuck me harder!" you scream at him as he pounds into your prostate repeatedly. He grunts and you can tell he's going to cum soon, but so are you so you decide to make sure your timing matches. You grip your length again and stroke it erratically while doing your best to look up at him lovingly. You know he's sexually attracted to all that tender bullshit, so right before you cum you scream something that'll make him cum inside you for sure.

"Fuck I love you uu!" you shout as white ribbons shoot out from your cock. He cums too and you can feel his essence spilling into your abused hole and you love it. He groans and pulls out, his weird alien junk disappearing behind a sheath. Your cock just goes soft again and you watch as red material leaks out of your asshole and onto the ground. Weird.

You get up and walk to your room without bothering to put any pants on yet. Once you're in there you wipe away all the fluids and pull on a pair of boxers. Then you exit your room to find that he's already put his clothes back on. He eyes you with a scowl and you just laugh, walk over to him, and lightly kiss his cheek. His cheeks turn red and you think it's actually kind of cute, so you lace your fingers with his and drag him over to the bed with you.

You position yourselves so that your arms are wrapped around his waist and he's facing you, doing his best not to actually look at you. You decide to mess with him and kiss his lips, only darkening the color on his cheeks.

"That was so… Wrong. Fuck. You're such a whore, you know that?"

You chuckle and kiss him again and he just frowns.

"Oh ya, biggest whore you'll ever meet right here," you agree and pull him closer, resting your chin atop his bald head. You can feel him wrap his arms around your waist as well and dig his claws into your back. You find that you like it.

"Did you mean it?"

"Mean what?" you ask innocently, knowing exactly what he meant. He growls at you and you just laugh. Fuck, this guy was just too easy.

"When you said the stupid love thing… Not that I care or anything!"

You put some distance between your bodies again so you can look into his huge red eyes. Fuck those things are beautiful, and you think that maybe you should let him see yours. You reach up and take off your anime shades, setting them on the arm rest and staring at him. A look of astonishment is etched into his face as he looks at your eyes and you can't help but feel a little arrogant right now.

"Ya, I guess I did," you tell him with a smirk. He pouts and buries his head back in your chest. You put your sunglasses on and you're about to just go to sleep or something when he says one more thing that almost makes you bust up laughing.

"You're still a fucking slut."


End file.
